Joke Time

Wanted to share these jokes I just read. So don't feel forlorn, cheer up!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. - "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

"Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

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Apparently the U.S. were turned down when they offered to help Russia out with the Kursk submarine rescue mission. They offered to send over Monica Lewinsky to suck out all the seamen.

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One liners

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

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What does BITCH mean?

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now....Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know.... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know.... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

So, just exactly what is a BITCH?

B - BABE

I - IN

T - TOTAL

C - CONTROL OF

H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a bitch...SMILE....

And say Thank You!

Pun Jokes

CNN/Reuters: News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al- Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US President George W Bush immediately stated that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of maths instruction.

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A man goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail." The man replies. "What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not any naked girl, mate," the bloke replies, "that's Michelle."

A pregnant woman from Oklahoma gets in a car accident and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Arkansas came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said " I'm afraid not"

Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin. In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering littlewren she found out in the snow.

The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these #(@ birds!"

The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence.

"Please, Dear, no cuss words in front of the chilled wren."

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Office Jokes

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk, totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped; you should try it too!"

Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up, and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice."

"I did", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!"

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

And now for some Bald Jokes

Here are some signs your getting bald…

Your part keeps getting wider...and wider.

Eh, ........ HELLO! YOUR HAIR IS FALLING OUT!!!!!!!!

"I'm not bald, it's the top of my head getting bigger!!!!!"

Boss says "lets send one of the younger guys on the recruiting trip this year"

Can't conceal the horns anymore...

I think we just found out why the Keepers have hoods!

It's been years since anyone asked, "Have you changed your hair?"

People start calling you "Mr.Clean".

The barber starts charging you less for hair-cuts

The sun seems to be getting hotter

When David Letterman starts making bald jokes about YOU

You develop a habit of sucking on lollipops and saying "Who loves ya', baby"

You get more coupons for Rogaine than you get America On-Line disks.

You have no hair

You no longer have a dandruff problem

You refer to it as a "Haircut with a hole in it"

you start putting suntan oil on your scalp

You're still using the same bottle of shampoo after two years...

Your forhead seems to be growing

Hairs keep falling into your breakfast every morning

Handcream cures dandruff..

It's not a bald spot, it's a solar energy panel for a sex machine!

Less Hair

No one asks to borrow a comb anymore.

People keep referring to you as "Captain Picard"

People mistaking you for *any* NBA star.

People put shades on when talking to you in a well lit room.

Tired housewives expect you to leave their kitchens sparkling clean and ask where that cute gold earring went.

When people can see your thoughts

When you can wear a toilet plunger as a hat.

You actually wear that "solar panel for a sex machine" t-shirt

You find yourself a faster runner do to better aerodynamics.

You find yourself going to the barbershop for contributions

You start trying on hats

You stop finding hair in the sink

People affectionately call you Butt Head