Obama promises that when he becomes president, he will upgrade the status of women. He has prepared a list of politically correct definitions:
• She is not a “babe or a chick.” She is a “breasted American.”
• She is not a “screamer or a moaner.” She is “vocally appreciative.”
• She is not “easy.” She is “horizontally accessible.”
• She is not a “two-bit hooker.” She is a “low-cost provider.”
• She does not get “drunk.” She gets “chemically impaired.”
• She does not have “breast implants.” She is “medically enhanced.”
• She is not a “nagger.” She is “verbally repetitive.”
• She is not a “tramp.” She is “sexually extroverted.”
• She does not have “big boobs.” She is “pectorally superior.”
• She has not “been around.” She is a “previously-enjoyed companion.”
Hilary has prepared definitions for men:
• He does not have a “beer gut.” He has a “liquidity grain storage facility.”
• He is not “going bald.” He is in “follicle recession.”
• He is not a “dirty old man.” He prefers “generational differential relationships.”
• He is not “homey.” He is “sexually focused.”
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Loud sex--A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
Confounded sex--A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," $14,000 for "large." The doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
Teacher: “Maria, go to the map and find North America.” Maria points to it.
Teacher: “Correct. Now class, who discovered America?”Class: “Maria.”
Teacher: “Johnny, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”Johnny: “You told me to do it without using tables.”
Teacher: “Ronald, what is the chemical formula for water?”
Ronald: “HIJKLMNO.”
Teacher: “What are you talking about?”Ronald: “Yesterday you said it was H to O.”
Teacher: “Cheryl, what was the most important thing we didn’t have 11 years ago?Cheryl: “Me.”
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Flushed with success, the Iraqi player wrote to his mother, "Guess what, Mom. We were all square with seconds to go and I scored the winning goal. Everybody loves me, the Yanks, the media and the fans."
"Wonderful," his mother wrote back. “Let me tell you about my day. Your father was shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and raped, and your brother joined a gang of looters—all while you were having such a great time."
The young Iraqi was very upset and wrote back, "What can I say, Mom, I'm so sorry."
"Sorry you're sorry," said his mom. "It's your fault we moved to New York in the first place."
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A woman shopping in a supermarket bought two pints of low-fat milk, a dozen eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a can of coffee and a pound of bacon. The man behind her said,
“You must be single.”
The woman was puzzled, because there was nothing in her shopping cart that indicated her marital status.
Curious, she asked the man, “You are right, but how did you know?”
The man replied, “Because you are so ugly.”
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 percent. It is called wedding cake.
At a party, a guest asked my wife, “Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong hand?” She replied, “I married the wrong man.”
My wife had always wanted to marry a seismologist because, she says, size does matter. Alas, I have just been downgraded.
My daughter asked, “Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of India a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” I replied, “That happens in every country.”
My spouse said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.” She also said that all women’s problems are due to men, For example, MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnecologist and HISterectomy.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," $14,000 for "large
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