Day of the Dead

A huge percentage of Filipinos celebrate All Saint's Day and All Souls' Day on November 1 and 2, respectively; two celebrations in which they honor their dead by visiting their tombs—others in Columbariums—yearly, light candles, revel sometimes, eche...blah...blah.

I think It is an idiotic way of commemorating the dead if you ask me, no offense. Not that I have the convenience of visiting my father's remains at more often that many other people a year, but of course we cremated his body and his ashes are in my sister's place where my mother now lives, too.

It's such a waste of time snaking your way with hundreds of sweaty people at cemeteries during the day of the dead, and unfortunate to get drunk there among other worthless drunks. Whenever I visit my mother—I get to visit my father too, and I am offered beer and she turns on the airconditioning as I relax with my thoughts and recall the pleasant memories with my father when he was still alive. This is indeed a better way of remembrance, isn't it? By the way, my mother is a great cook.

Anyway, even before the weekend started last week, a lot of people had already trooped to bus stations and the domestic airport (which caused heavy traffic) just so they would get the first seats out of the city for that annual trip to the provinces to celebrate this moronic tradition. It makes me wonder if these guys have work at all—or they simply prioritize tradition over their empty stomachs, especially the ones who are poor. I mean I just don’t get it, you know. I understand students who do go home to the provinces for their semestral breaks, but not the ones who work.

One American tourist once said (as if to warn other would-be visitors) that when visiting our country, “one must be ready for the slow-paced, laid-back lifestyle of the locals.” It was somehow an embarrassing statement to hear.

Anyway, I really hate to be sad or negative about things, therefore I have these collections of funny epitaphs I saw in the internet. But before that, let me share something from my father who was a lawyer. Many years ago, he told me this joke. He asked me, “Karl, when lawyers die, what do you think happens to them?” I said, “they go somewhere, but I’m not really sure where—I guess heaven.” Then he told me, “when lawyers die, they lie still.”

Here are some other funny epitaphs:

It was a Cough
That carried him off
It was a coffin
They carried him off in.

On an attorney’s tombstone:

John E. Goembel - 1867-1946

“The defense rests”


Here lies Johnny Yeast.

Pardon me for not rising.

Jedediah Goodwin - Auctioneer Born 1828

Going!
Going!!
Gone!!!

Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.

Here Lies Jane Smith
Wife of Thomas Smith,
Marble Cutter:

This Monument Erected
By Her Husband
As a Tribute
To her memory.
Monuments of this style
Are 250 Dollars.

Effie Jean Robinson - 1897-1922

Come blooming youths,
As you pass by,
And on these lines do cast an eye.
As you are now, so once was I;
As I am now, so must you be;
Prepare for death and follow me.
Upon which someone scribbled:
To follow you
I am not content,
How do I know
Which way you went.


Here lies Lester Moore.

Four slugs
From a forty-four.
No Les
No More.

Here lies Johnny Cole.

Who died upon my soul
After eating a plentiful dinner.
While chewing his crust
He was turned into dust
With his crimes undigested -
Poor sinner.


Bill Blake

Was hanged by mistake.


Here lies Butch.

We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.


Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw
in Cripple Creek.


Rebecca Freeland - 1741

She drank good ale,
good punch and wine
and lived to the age of 99.


Beneath this stone,
A lump of clay,
Lay stingy Jimmy Wyatt.
Who died one morning just at ten
And saved a dinner by it.


Here lies an atheist, John Doe

All dressed up and no place to go!


Here he lies, James T. Carson

He blew up his wife
and was hung for arson.


Here lies the body
of John Round.
Lost at sea
and never found.


And here’s an epitaph with a funny double meaning-you might have to think about it…

Here lies Barnard Lightfoot
Who was accidentally killed
in the 45th year of his age.
This monument was erected
by his grateful family.